Check-Up

“Fill these out and the doctor will be with you shortly.” The medical assistant slid a clipboard thick with forms through the slot in the window, gaze never leaving her computer. A name-badge that seemed almost limp itself sat on her chest reading “Tracy”.

“Thank you Tracy!” Maria smiled. She turned to find a seat. Maria frowned. She eventually spied an unoccupied loveseat and and waddled over. Her spacious hips grazed the armrests but still sat her easily. Gently lowering her belly, she shivered at the cold floor before plunging head-first into the forms.

Name? Maria Hernandez. Sex? Female. Reason for visit?

Maria paused. After a moment her hand scrawled across the box but just as quickly crossed it out. Head tilted sideways she wrote again. After a moment her hand again ran across the page only to violently scribble back over it. Her teeth grabbed on her bottom lip, gnawing for a moment. She scribbled briefly before finally continuing. 

As she continued writing she began to hum. In the relative quietness of the office it was noticeable even over the daytime programming. Head bobbing, Maria eventually looked up over her bosom to find more than a couple pair of eyes locked onto her.

 “I-I’m sorry, it’s a terribly habit!” Maria blushed, diving back into the paperwork. A couple of nosy-neighbor types elicited a far too-assured tut.

A few minutes of hurried scribbling later Maria was done. Finding no end table she hoisted one of her breasts enough to slip the clipboard in, just under her necklace. She inched her way off the seat until just barely sitting. Pushing herself forward, she almost toppled backwards before regaining her balance. One pendulous waddle later she sidled up to the reception booth.

“Here you go!” She beamed at Tracy, presenting the clipboard. This time her smile was met with a blank stare. Tracy’s eyes scraped in their sockets as she flipped through the stack of papers.

“...allergies?” Tracy’s head rolled in Maria’s direction.

“Yes...yes. Yes.” Maria’s head nodded harder with each affirmation. After a moment of watching her best impression of a drinking bird Tracy’s head pivoted back to the paperwork to stare at the ink-filled form, stray hand smoothing out her scrubs.

“We’ll call you when the doctor is ready.” Other patients and daytime television were ignored as Maria happily made her way back to her seats. She backed into her spot with all the care of a cramped parking spot. She preemptively shivered but found her spot on the floor surprisingly still toasty. Sighing, she settled into her seat and reached for phone-

“Maria Hernandez?” Starting, Maria repeated her routine and made her way to the open door, flashing a smile at Tracy. Squeezing through the door the medical assistant piloted her down the hall. Even at the sedate pace the assistant set Maria was winded after waddling by only a handful of exam rooms. She almost wanted to thank the medical assistant, this one “Trudy”, when they stopped at the end of the hall.

Trudy stared.

Maria eyes grew wide as her head swiveled back and forth looking for a clue. Trudy’s dull eyes offered no hints.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Knowing full well she did not.

“Weight.” Trudy made the smallest of movements gesturing under her stomach. Maria pivoted to discover a scale shoved against the wall. A smile lit her face only to die just as fast. She took a step forward and smooshed her belly against the wall. Frowning, she edged towards it sideways only to be denied again. Maria mumbled some words of apology as she turned around completely, backing up towards the scale. This time her heel tapped the base at the same time as her rear hit the wall.

She sheepishly turned towards Trudy.

“A...lot.” Each pen-stroke scratched into the clipboard.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be an inconvenience.”

“This way.” Thankfully the walk was shorter this time. Trudy took a step into the exam room, thought better of it, and let Maria in first.

“The doctor will be with you shortly.” Trudy repeated, tugging on her scrubs before closing the door.

Maria turned into the tiny room, majority of which was taken up by the the exam table. She weighed the odds of lifting herself high enough to sit, divided by the likelihood of actually fitting, and then multiplied by probability of tipping over. Somehow she came out with a negative number, so it couldn’t be a good idea. The pair of chairs in the corner were dismissed outright.

Maybe if they didn’t have armrests. And were fastened together. And were another couch.

Process of elimination led her to the doctor’s stool, which Maria wasn’t entirely sure wouldn’t disappear up her butt. Defeated, she waddled to the back of the room. Back was a bit of a misnomer as it was only a handful of meters away from the front.

In the past couple weeks, Maria had been using a measurement known as “belly-lengths”. It was, as it sounds, the length of her stomach but also a unit of effort. Just recently Maria had turned down a jelly-filled doughnut because it was four belly-lengths away. Now if it had been custard-filled or three belly-lengths away she would have gobbled it up in a heartbeat. This was all without adjusting for time.

It was a complicated formula.  

“One” Maria waddled forward a couple paces.

“Two”

“ThreeEEE!” The doctor opened the exam room door as she had done upteen times before. Most of the time she had a general idea of what to expect. Complaints of back pain? Junkie. Fever and chills? Flu. For allergies she guessed a girl who found out she’s allergic to her boyfriend’s cat. Being rammed with an enormous pregnant belly was somewhat low on her list.

“Oh my goodness doctor I’m sorry, I’ve been so clumsy lately!” Maria scrambled to her aid but only managed to bump her further with her stomach.

“Imagine that.” The doctor gazed over massive gravidity of her patient.

“Take a seat.” She dropped onto the stool while flipping through her chart.

“Um. Do you have any, ah, bigger seats?” The doctor looked up and measured her Maria against the bench.

She ignored the request. “I assumed this is why you’re here?” She gestured towards her patient’s massive stomach without looking up.

“So how have you been since we’ve seen you...three weeks ago? That can’t be right.” She flipped through the meager pile of papers.

Maria fidgeted, “Well, actually, you told me to come back in a month. But my friend were starting to worry and convinced me to come in. I think they’re overreacting.”

She had given Maria her standard advice for incredulous pregnancy; if you don’t pop in a month come back. Once they inevitably tottered back in with a baby she guided them down the street to a lovely pediatrician who paid the doctor back in margaritas every other Friday. It was a wonderful system.

“I’m sure it’ll taper off soon, right doctor?”

“It’s...possible.” She swore she saw an actual light explode in her eyes. The doctor turned the page, “it says here I recommended keeping a journal? How did that go?”

“Well I did like you said. I kept track of everything I did and then compared it to what I was doing before.” Maria presented a battered book from a pocket whose spirit had been broken.

“And?” The doctor’s mouth was the only part of her body that moved.

“Well I’ve been eating a lot more Chinese food recently. But I’ve been eating a lot more of everything else too,” she attempted to fan the pages with one hand, tongue curling around her upper lip, “my neighbor got a dog, I think it’s a german shepherd? Or maybe a collie.” Just as she was about to stick the book in her mouth, the doctor plucked it from her grasp.

“I’ve been having trouble reaching the last couple days.” Maria attempted to bring her hands together but only served to squish her breasts and necklace closer to her chin. The doctor fanned through the booklet detailing her patient’s eating habits, transportation woes, fat co-workers, tardiness of the mailman, and status of her neighbor’s pets. Nothing.

Sighing she tucked the tortured book in her chart.

“Well, let’s go through some ques-” The doctor steadied the clipboard against her stomach. There was some resistance. She was on her feet as if the world suddenly tipped ninety degrees, speeding to the full-length mirror in the room. There, buried underneath her breasts, tucked behind her lab coat lay a small, pale belly.

“Of course. Fucking Mondays.” The doctor muttered, pinching her furrowed brow.

“Sorry, doctor?” Maria saw the doctor’s shoulders rise and fall before she turned to face her.

“Your purse.” She extended her hand.

“I don’t, I haven’t carried one in over a week. Maybe two. I kept misplacing it. Do you think-”

“Your pockets, empty them.”

“These shorts are a little tight, I could only fit the note-”

“Then where are you-ah.” The doctor puzzled for a brief second before noticing a cell phone sticking out of her patient’s cleavage like a flag stuck on the plateau of a towering peak. Maria followed the doctor’s gaze until her blush burned through her brown skin.

“This is so embarrassing, it’s just so easy and accessible now, you know?”

“It’s fine, Ms. Hernandez if you could just-”

“I always thought it was a bit icky when other women stuck things in there but I never really had too much up there and now there’s just so much space!” Maria grabbed the sides of her breasts pushing her voluminous cleavage upwards.

“Ms. Hernandez.”

“I mean, I do occasionally lose things. Cash. Lots of cash. Lipstick, bobby pins, even a checkbook, not even sure why I still had that, I think I had to pay a bill one day-”

“Maria!” The doctor breaking decorum finally snapped Maria from her stream of cleavageness. Turning scarlett she again began to babble apologies but the doctor held up her hand.

“What do you have in there?” A brief excavation revealed the aforementioned objects, a wallet, three packs of gum, a lone key, a remote control, a cell phone belonging to a “Todd”, countless fast food receipts and a handful of pens.

“I lost this remote last year...” The doctor poked through the finds but was not encouraged. Noticing her belly poking out from under her breasts she forged on.

“Are you absolutely sure you don’t have anything else on your person?”

“Let me think…” Maria chewed on a finger and tilted her head. The movement allowed a sad beam of fluorescent light to strike the necklace buried under Maria to shimmer ever so briefly. Face falling like an avalanche, the doctor sucked her teeth. Reaching a pen out she hooked the golden chain and tugged until a dark stone popped out.

“Oh that? My friend got it for me on vacation in Greece, I think she said that it’s from the temple...one of...the...goddesses of…” Maria trailed off.

“Yep.” The doctor yanked the chain from her neck and deposited it in the sharps container with a clatter.

“So that’s it? Can I take it home and keep it in a safe pla-”

“No. So these friends, they’ve been getting a little bulgy themselves? Co-workers?”

“No, not real-well actually, my boss just started showing this week. And it was after Mandy popped out of her dress that they convinced me I had to come in. Do you think they’re related?” Maria’s head jerked to meet the doctor’s gaze, eyes suddenly saucers.

Sighing, the doctor opened the door, gesturing to her patient.

“It’s impossible to tell for sure, but any residual effects should stop now that the source is removed. Here.” The doctor offered a handful of cards, “tell them to schedule a sonogram. You too.”

“But could I just do that now? Since I’m already here?” Maria did her best to turn around as the doctor ushered her towards the waiting room.

“My schedule was just...filled. Staff sonograms” She glanced down at the belly that had forced itself into sight.

“Oh, congratulations! I can’t thank you enough, doctor-” As soon as Maria had cleared the doorframe it slammed shut behind her. Shrugging slightly, she mouthed a word of thanks to Tracy and waddled outside.

Maybe that cat necklace that Lucy got me from Egypt will have better luck.